This year has been incredibly cruel and incredibly rewarding at times throughout. I suppose that’s how life works, though. Anyway, we experienced many losses of loved ones and a few gains in our personal lives to keep us somewhat balanced.

Personally, this year has shed light on many issues I have not dealt with properly in the past and now have the safety and time to do so. 2012 will be about tackling and overcoming those things (including smoking). A small part of me is terrified, but the better parts of me are eager to let go and learn how to enjoy my life to the fullest.

My boyfriend and I moved into our first apartment together on January 1st, 2011. I have never lived with a person I loved so intensely and I was never weary of our decision. We have had a wonderful year together on that front and look forward to many more. We have learned so much about each other and our relationship has only grown stronger because of it. He’s become my constant, my true best friend and we are so lucky to have the opportunity to share our lives together and have met each other so early in life. It’s really cool when you can finally be everything that you are around someone; when you can allow someone into your life and open up completely. Someone told me once that it was always good to keep a secret or two to yourself. “We all have our demons that we don’t want to share.” I can’t say I agree with this at all. I knew that if I could admit my fears, my mistakes and everything else that I think comprises my life’s story as a whole to myself or to someone in particular (without fear of that person judging me), I would be at a place in my life where I could learn how to finally love myself. My boyfriend helped me get there and, in turn, I have found that I have a lot of love to give and a lot to let go. I don’t have any secrets anymore and I feel liberated. I have not done or experienced things in my life that are so horrible that I couldn’t admit them to anyone else. However, I spent years of mastering the art of beating myself up for choices I had made and I allowed myself to conjure up demons that never really existed. I am human and I make mistakes. Learning that I never did anything that I had to forgive myself for was my biggest feat to take on before I could tackle anything else. I managed to do that this year with the help and support of my boyfriend and my family. Fergie, thank you for being The Best.

My family and I have been slowly reconnecting this year, too. There’s members of my family that I haven’t had much to do with since my mother passed away for reasons I don’t think necessary to bring up on a blog. Every family has their troubles. The main things I am grateful for this year are (1) regaining a closeness with two of my brothers and their families that I longed for and finally decided to fight for, (2) building an even closer friendship with my third brother, and (3) learning how to communicate so well with my father and having so much quality time with him. I look forward to lots more. My Dad rocks.

I have made many friends this year and I have also reconnected with some people in my life I had missed so badly. There are a few people who have floated in and out of my life that I know, despite our falling outs and possible future disagreements, will always be there and vice versa. Three of those people are back in my life and our friendships are stronger now than they ever were before. I’m not the kind of person to have “one group” of friends – I suppose I could call myself a bit of a drifter in the past, I had many groups of friends and I made at least one close friend in every phase of life I created. Some of my closest friends know each other and some don’t, however, they are all linked somehow (either through me or something else) and they are all awesome.

I was fortunate enough, this year, to find a job that I really love and an employer that treats me with the respect and attention that any employee deserves. I’ve always been incredibly honest with the people I work with rather than trying to keep my the chaos in my life quiet  (I used to go by the “personal issues are personal issues and don’t need to be divulged to those you work with”). The things that have occurred this past year are not things I could simply push under the rug in my mind. It’s been wonderful knowing that I have had the support of my supervisors and peers when tackling the many things we have had to overcome. I have never worked so hard in my life, I have never enjoyed a job this much in my life and I have never, ever, had the support of those that I work with until now. Why? I’m not sure. Maybe I just did something right this time or it was an inevitability after all of the experiences I have had in my life with prior positions.

To all of you,

Thank you for all of your love and support this year. I think, compared to the past, I have been a lot more receptive.

To those of you who have known me since before 2011,

Thank you for helping me come to terms with certain aspects of my life and encouraging me to overcome them; thank you for being there for me even when I wasn’t at my best and most of all, thank you for pushing me when I didn’t want to be pushed. I wouldn’t be where I am now without having experienced everything that I have and received the advice and support you all shared with me.

Happy New Year to all and may 2012 bring nothing but awesomeness (and not the end of the world).

Stay safe tonight, folks. See you next year!